An Open Letter To My First True Love

My Love. My sweet little girl.... From the moment I found out I was pregnant... I was excited. Nervous as HELL but, nonetheless, very excited. Becoming a mom at 25 years old was incredibly scary. Was I ready? Was I going to be able to handle it? I had no idea but I was going to try my HARDEST to be the best mother I could be. During my pregnancy with you, daddy and I had so many obstacles to overcome. He lost his job and then a few days later, so did I. I didn't know what else to do, but move back home with mom. All I wanted to do was be with her anyway, so why not. I felt so much sadness, and even though you weren't due for months, I already felt like a failed you. Call it pregnancy hormones, or depression, or just plain old dramatic, but I was at an all time low. I remember crying in the shower and just holding my belly telling you that everything was going to be ok. I didn’t know what the future would hold for us, but I knew that I was going to be the best damn mom that I could be. Third trimester came around, and the doctor had mentioned pre-term labor. I had high blood pressure and a lot of protein in my urine, I wasn't sure about what any of that meant, but I guess it didn't sound good. August 11,2011 came around and I was admitted into the hospital after way too much protein was found in my urine. The word pre-term labor was still being thrown around, but I still didn’t understand what was going to happen. On August 18, 2011, after a very long morning, I was sent to the operating room and at 1:33pm you made your debut, eight weeks premature. I immediately fell in love with you. Motherhood clicked instantly for me. I remember crying because I wasn’t sure if you would come home with us. The NICU nurses at Beth Israel were so amazing. They would share every little gram that you were gaining and they were as happy for you as I was. Daddy convinced the nurses to let me go out for a walk to get some fresh air. They weren’t really too excited about that, but they finally agreed. All I did was step foot outside of the hospital and I started to cry. I was having some sort of anxiety attack. I didn’t want to leave the hospital without you so back upstairs we went. Discharge day came around and I wasn’t ready. I was hoping that the hospital provided accommadations for the parents with babies in the NICU…. they didn’t. You stayed for one whole month in the NICU. But Daddy and I made the 30-45 minute drive into Boston every single day, just to see you for a few hours. I cried the whole way home every single time. I called every night just to make sure you were still growing and not having any more spells. I cried every night because I just wanted you here, with me. I tried everything to keep you healthy. I even tried breasfeeding but you didn’t latch on. So I pumped as much as I could just to make sure that I gave you every fighting chance to grow. Once I got you home, I never wanted to let you go. Literally. We were still living with mom and she would have to knock on my bedroom door and ask to see you. After the experience we had, I didn’t want to let you go. I overcame all of the self-doubt that I had. I didn’t have to think twice, about doing what was best for you. But somehow, I still failed you and I’m not sure how. I was always told that because you were a preemie, you would be behind on certain things, but after your second birthday, you would be all caught up. You were, but speech... not so much. I talked to you. Not baby talk… I literally talked to you so that maybe you can pick up language easier… but that didn’t work. As you got older, we knew that our journey would still be a little different no matter how hard I tried for you. I was tired of everyone comparing your development to other children. It hurt me so deeply and I started to get even more defensive then I already was. I was over protective…. Still am… but I was fighting and still continue to fight to show people that you aren’t different. You have speech delays. People always think they have you figuered out. Some think that you may be autistic or it's ADHD or anxiety or just a mixture of everything, but they don’t see the way you are on a daily basis. Maybe I’m just blinded by love or maybe just being an overprotective mother, or maybe I’m just in denial, whatever it is, I’m not allowing people to put you in a category because once you're viewed as "different" then people start treating you differently and that's not helpful to your development or behavior. On a side note: There's nothing wrong with being Autistic, this isn't the point. All children are special in their very own way and every parent deals with their situation very differently. If she were to get a diagnosis, then we would work through it as a family, but I'm still allowed to cry and breakdown about it. I'll be honest, I have my moments, like every parent does. I breakdown and still cry. I cry over the things I could’ve done differently. I cry over the things you do that you KNOW is wrong but you do it anyway. But then again, you're six. This is expected behavior. But some days, it just gets to me and I feel like I've done something wrong. I could've done better. I WILL do better. I don’t want you to see me down. I don’t want your brother to ever see me down either. But especially you. I have no clue what the future holds for you or for any of us but I do know that some people will try to put you in a box. They will try to tell you that this is what you are, and this is what you will become, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I want to be strong for you so that you can see what a strong confident woman looks like, so that YOU can grow up to be a strong, independant, motivated, "Don't come at me with your bullshit" kinda woman. In the end I know that you will be fine, my Love. You will go on to do wonderful things with that creative big brain and that beautiful big heart of yours. Whatever happens always remember the things I say to you. You are strong. You are beautiful and you are smart. You're also a smart ass. You are the silliest, most dramatic, most entertaining little lady I know. Don’t let anyone try to put you in a category just because they don’t understand you. Always follow your dreams and fight for what you believe in. We know your worth and we know what you are capable of. Always believe in yourself just like we do. I love you more than you will ever know. You are my first true love. My sweet little girl. Xoxo, Mommy Wife and mother of two young children, Von Marie Moniz is the Event Planner and Owner of Lovely Events by Von. Clients love her bubbly personality and attention to detail. Planning is what she does, relaxing and enjoying yourself is what you will be doing when you hire Von for your next event. #smallbusiness #2018 #blogging #relationship #motherhood #openletter #letter #daughter #truelove #firstlove #love #parenthood #mom #dad #mompreneur #pretermlabor #autism #specialneeds #normal #schoolaged #kids #children #pregnancy #family #affirmations #strongbond

An Open Letter To My First True Love